1 year

Has it really been one year since the day dr. Kamyar told me that Porter would be coming?! It all feels like a blurr sometimes and then other times it is so clear. I remember the it started. I had woken up with a constant pain in my back and horrible indigestion. I had my nurse Ali bring me every anti nausea drug possible and it never went away. I remember Shelby. She walked in wearing a black puffy coat, holding a Taco Bell bag because she knew I wanted a crunchy taco. I remember my mom and her sitting by the window talking about baby Zoe. How little she was. I told them I had horrible back pain and then my nurse Ali came in and told me they would send a doctor in to check on me. Dr. Weber felt my stomache and I jumped. She sent me Down to labor and delivery just as my grandma and aunts arrived to say hello. I knew today was the day. Shelby stayed with me while my mom picked up my room. Shelby called Heath and told him that it was go time. She stayed right with me until he got there. They watched my contractions which were 3 minutes apart and checked to see if I was dilated... 3cm. I had an epidural, and pitocen and just waited. 10 hours later I had not progressed. Dr. Kamyar told me that he was not responding well, his heart rate was dropping and my fever was too high. It was c-section time! I felt relieved and so did Heath. The upped my epidural and wheeled me into another room. I laid there shaking uncontrollably. He stayed at my head taking a glance every so often at Porter and the doctors. I heard a cry, it was incredible. They told me he was moving too! I saw a picture, then it went quiet and I don't remember a lot after that. 

For porters birthday I wanted it to be about sunshine. He beams sunshine through him everyday, that's who he is. 

We had so many special people there to celebrate. And I was so nice to have everyone there that helped and supported us in getting him here. The day after his birthday we went back to the hospital and said hello to some of his nurses, and mine. It was so strange walking back into that building. So many emotions came flooding back for both Heath and I. It was my home for almost 4 months. So many of those people became our family. It will always be special. 

A Plane

This week Arland and I made a trip to Target for some birthday stuff for brother. We ALWAYS have to stop by the toy section at the end and I ALWAYS dread it. This is because it turns into me dragging him out of the store kicking and screaming. So we are in the toy section when he spots a Dust Plane (from the movie planes). He has the small figure but this was a big one that you sit on and the propellers spin around on it. I let him sit on it and push all the buttons while I came up with a plan to get out of the store in one piece. 

Me: "Arland you no we can't buy that. We have to leave it at the store."

Arland: "no mommy, dusty needs to come my house." (Persistent)

Me: "ok arland I have an idea, what if we go home and count your money in you piggy bank and see if you have enough to buy dusty?"

He walked away from the toy, smile on his face, and said "ok!" 

It has never been like this leaving the toy section! So we went home and counted his money, he had $31 and he needed $4 more. So I asked him if he wanted to clean the play room for more $. He said "yes!" 

Later that day we went back to the store and he knew right where Dusty Plane was at. We walked right up to the cash register and he was beaming with excitement! He handed the lady his money and she gave him a sticker. I asked him if he wanted to carry it. "Mom it's too heavy!" 

I loved watching this little guy learn about spending money today. And learning about patience. It was such a fun day! 

Zion's National Park

Today we woke up early got kids fed and out the door we went! I have never been to Zion's so this was very new and exciting for me and to share my first time with my kids was so fun too. I loved all the little houses as we drive threw the canyon, the green along the river in the middle of a desert was so fun and different! We drove threw tunnels and Arland loved seeing all the fun things that this park had to offer! He loves bus rides too so when Pa told him we were going to ride a bus he said "I ride on the magic school bus?!" We sat on the front bench so that arland could look out the biggest windows. He pretended like he was the bus driver the entire time, looking out the window saying, "Come on! Everyone ride the school bus!" 

"Mom the School Bus is cool?!" (This kid loves the school bus!) 

Porter hung out with Grammy and Pa

And aunt Sophie!

We took the bus all the way to the top and the hiked up by the river to where the Narrows start. 

We saw so many fun things along the trail! Arland especially loves the squirrels.... Until pa told him that they would eat his toes off. So when he got cornered by two squirrels he almost had a panick attack. Haha 

He refused to walk past them. I wouldn't blame him. 

Then aunt Sophie took arland down to the water and they got to walk around in it! He LOVED this! 

 We then made it all the way to the top and arland got to catch a ride on pa's shoulders down. 

It was so beautiful and we made some great memories there! Thanks for the trip Grammy and Pa! 

Patience

Yes it is late and yes I am tired... No... Exhausted! Two days ago we started an adventure with my two children strapped into their car seats, my sister Sophie sitting next to them and Grandma Jepsen  in the passenger seat, we headed south for some sunshine! We followed my parents car patiently awaiting our vacation destination. The boys did great! Arland ( my little stinker) did so good until half way he said he had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped at a gas station and he returned to my car with Pa who said "he didn't have to go," Arland then said " MOM, where is the pool?!" Yes I promised him we were going swimming so he tricked me by saying he had to go to the bathroom. Haha So we finally made it! 

We made it in time for lunch and a treat, then off to the house we went! My boys couldn't wait to get out of the car! After many hours of "Porta! stop crying?!" Followed by tears from Arland they made it out! That night I bathed my boys and put them to bed. 

1am: I was awakened by arland and a pile of throw up next to me... It was everywhere. I went to ask for help (Heath doesn't have the pleasure of joining us on this trip) (moms is flying solo in this adventure) 

So my dad and mom wake up and rush to help me clean up while I put Arland in the tub. Porter is crying now. 

1:45 Porter is back to bed. Arland is in the couch with me sleeping. 

2:30 Arland throws up on the couch... Round 2 begins. Tub, sheets in the washer. No more blankets so Arland sleeps with towels on the couch.

3: Arland is back to sleep! He is on big couch... Mom on love seat (long night) 

6 am: Arland decides it's time to be awake. Mom is a crazy zombie. 

The point I wanted to remind myself of is that it was a hard horrible exhausting night. I said things I didn't mean, I lost my temper. And after I would say things to Arland I had this guilt and a little voice saying to me "he is 3, he doesn't understand, he just wants you to comfort him, you are his mommy." Being a stay at home mommy is the hardest BEST thing I have ever done. I am raising a person, a bright spirit of my Heavenly Father. My children test me, love me, and teach me every day. I have so much to learn from them and it all goes too fast. I loved this quote. We all have hard times in motherhood no one is perfect, but this is something I need to remember. 

You will never be this loved again. So on those days when you are feeling stressed out, touched out, and depleted. Just remember that you will never be this loved again. One day you will long for their affection. So choose a soft voice, choose gentle hands, choose love. 

After reading this I thought about my day today and I loved my moment with arland   walking to the park, holding hands in the sunshine and talking about special things to him all the little things he loves. I loved holding his "gentle hands." For a moment I was in his world talking to arland about all things arland, and he loved it. I cherished every second of all things arland today. 

Porter

Porter boy,

You are my joy! You started crawling this month and wow I can't keep up with you! You are loving the freedom of getting everywhere you want! 

You love walks at the park and following your brother around. You love Arlands toys and teasing him with them. You love food! That is an understatement. You can't get enough! You love sitting in your high chair at the island with arland and just hanging out. 

You love tub time and playing with toys and splashing! 

I love you mister porter! I can't believe next month you will be 1! Stop now! Love mommy! 

Arland

My Arland, 

This past week aunt Chelsee invited us to go to thanksgiving point farm or as you call it the "chicken farm." You were more fascinated with the chickens then the horses, cows or goats! Funny kid. We got to go on a pony ride and you named the horse bullseye and you were telling him to giddy up the entire time! Haha 

We also went on a carriage ride! 

It was so fun to see you and Porter sitting next to each other. Porter just loves you so much! You are such a good big brother! You are always making sure that he is taken care, "mom Porta hungy!" And "NO PORTA! You no do dat!" 

You have been taking gymnastics the past couple months and you can't wait to go "jumping" every week! A couple of weeks ago you went to gymnastics with Grammy and you started hitting your teacher. You were screaming and crying and so Grammy dragged you home that same way. Mom had to take you back to apologize to your teacher but she wasn't there so all week we talked about how we don't hit people and how it makes people sad. That day at gymnastics came and you wanted to color a picture for your teacher, she said thank you and told you how important it is to listen to teacher. You have been GREAT ever since then! Of course we have a pep talk before class every time but you are doing great now! 

Arland you are still loving trains and you love to go on walks with your toy lawn mower. I love to listen to you play with your toys, that wild imagination of yours! Thanks for being my buddy! Love mommy

March 2

This month marks a very important day in my life. It is a day that changed what I had "planned" forever. One year ago Heath and I had found out that we were going to be expecting a new little addition to our family. Arland was going to have a brother! We couldn't be more happy. We had been "planning" our future. Our little family would be growing and soon we would outgrow our little red brick house. We put our house up for sale and had big  plans to move back to our small town we grew up in. We found our dream house and we were determined to have it! We had a buyer for our house and everything was falling into place. Heath was in school and was debating on whether he wanted to take a semester off to work on the "new house." We both felt like our life was so exciting! But in the back of both our minds something felt different. I started showing signs of my little babe having problems. At 18 weeks I went to the hospital for bleeding. Dangerously low amniotic fluid followed that with "signs" of my water breaking. On march 2, 2013 I woke up feeling extremely cramped on my lower right side. It was so painful that I laid on the bed crying. Heath called his parents to take arland and off to the hospital we went. I sat on the hospital bed doing a non- stress test making sure the baby was ok. Heath and I waited for a couple of hours before a doctor came in to do and ultrasound. They were optimistic everything was ok. Baby was sounding great, and I was no longer in pain. The doctor left the room and I felt like I peed my pants. My water broke. I yelled to Heath to get the doctor. They tested the fluid and it came back positive for amniotic fluid. I couldn't breathe or speak. They told me that they would be sending me to the university of utah by helicopter. Heath would have to drive. I couldn't think. I felt so alone, and scared. My doctor held my face in his hands and looked at me in the eyes and said "It's going to be ok, you are not alone. And this is not your fault." I cried as the life flight team came in. One of the life flight nurses held my hand and told me that she wouldn't leave me. I felt comforted by her. Like I had known her forever. I felt connected to these people that helped me that took care of me. I wrote more about this day 1 year ago on my blog. I wrote about my fear, my faith in these people and the love I was shown that day. But I will never forget the comfort I felt from my Heavenly Father that day, and every day after that. It is a time in my life I will never forget.